A foot to the left

You know what this experience has created for me?

A before. And an after.

Has your life ever had a before and after?

Have you ever thought in your mind, "Oh, well that was before?"

This defining moment when you sort of stepped next to yourself and started living the rest of your life like a foot to the left of where you were standing before? So it's like everything is familiar and the same, but kind of off and awkward, and not the same at all? Like being right-handed for your entire life and then suddenly doing everything with your left hand. It's familiar and the same, but you are learning to do it all again.

Well. That's me.

I lay awake at night. And I can't shut my brain off.

I think about before and I remember it and how I felt. I can't turn it off. And I wonder how to get back there, but then I know I never can get back there. I have to stay here and move forward and find a new comfortable spot.

And so that is that.

Doc Follow-Up

My doc appointment was all good. They found me healthy from what they can see, and believe the baby was healthy as well. So I was in the 20% of pregnancies that end for reasons that the doctors have yet to understand.

Well, I am just relieved that all seems well. Sigh.

Just some rambling

I'm sick. I have a cold.

I have my follow-up doctor's appointment tomorrow. I don't know what will happen, but I am so ready to go to it. I can't wait for them to start talking to me and hopefully telling me that I'm healthy and they know I'll be able to have children later and all that jazz. But I'm kinda freaking out about it. I mean, it's hard not to.

I'm also looking forward to going because I want to drop off a card for the nurse that cared for me while I was in the hospital. I had several nurses, but there was one, a mom of 4, and a wife. She worked 12 hour days, doing EVERYTHING for me. She was my angel, my family, my mom, my sister. I mean, I really prayed that the baby would come while she was on duty. And he did. And I am so thankful for her presence.

I haven't written about her, because when I think of what I'd say the words seem so cheap. And they still do. But oh well. One day, maybe I'll come up with it.

But let me tell you, a nurse like her, compared to some of the others, in a time like I was having, is a gift from God. She really kept me going at times. It wasn't a phony kindness. She just had it. You know, some people just have it.

I don't know, one day I'll figure out what to say about her.

But I did learn something else, nurses, not doctors know what is going on with a patient. I had never been hospitalized before so I didn't really get it. But nurses, they do it all. I admire them all so very much. It's a profession on the level of teaching, if not higher. These women (Yes, all my nurses were women, and most of my doctors too!) hold your life in their hands, and are so humble! The doctors could learn a thing or two from them.

The Scientist, Coldplay

Come up to meet you,
tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Oh tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start

Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ah ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh

We just Suspend or Special Ed Stupid Students

Here is a letter that a student, Andrew Wolf, of Cornell University's Organization for Labor Action (COLA), wrote on why the students there boycotted DC Public School Chancellor, Michelle Rhee's recent speech. Their reasons are applicable nationwide.

Here is some of their statement:

"We feel that Chancellor Rhee, instead of working with teachers to fix the problems afflicting our education system, has presumed that the problem is teachers themselves . . .

"First, my fellow members of COLA and I take issue with the fact that Rhee wields layoffs as a key component to education reform . . .

"Second, COLA disagrees with Chancellor Rhee's belief that standardized tests hold the key to education reform. Furthermore, we disagree with Rhee's attempts to evaluate teachers based on standardized test scores. A 2008 report "Grading Education" by the Economic Policy Institute found that measuring teacher and school performance by these tests was an utter failure. The study found that these tests forced teachers to "teach to the test", stifling creativity and vastly under serving top-performing students. It found that such programs result in teachers fighting with each other to keep successful techniques hidden instead of encouraging cooperation. Overall, the study found that these tests narrowly focused on reading and math, while ignoring the whole growth we should expect from our students. Perhaps most horrifying though, the EPI report found that schools, fearing that under-performing children would drag their schools funding down, often stuffed these children into special education classes or falsely suspended them on the day of the standardized test. The EPI report concluded that measuring performance solely on standardized test scores can in no way properly evaluate the success or failure of schools or their teachers . . .

"Third, COLA disagrees with the arbitrary nature of Rhee's policies. In 2008, the US Congress, worried about Rhee's approach, asked the C=Government Accountability Office to investigate her practices. The Government Accountability Office found Rhee at fault and criticized her for instituting policies without clear guidelines and without consulting teachers, parents or the community . . .

"Fourth and finally . . . Last year Rhee fired numerous principals without explaining her criteria or evaluation process . . . without transparency, Rhee abuses her authority to silence her critics . . .

"Rhee denies teachers their right to participate in the process of refrom where their voices and commitment are so deeply needed. Instead, she silences them and vilifies them through firings. COLA believes this is counter-productive and we again ask Cheancellor Rhee to include teachers in the process of education reform."

Politicians + My students = Joke!

Here is a real and anonymous sample of my current student body. I teach 9th grade. Remember that. 9th grade at an alternative high school.

* W. Registered for school as stipulation from his lawyer. He needed to be enrolled because he is on trial for armed robbery. Being a regular high school student looks better than being an 18-year-old drop-out. So he re-enters the 9th grade at the age of 18 . . .

*J. 16-years-old. Is pregnant with her second child. Her first child has a terminal illness. She lives in a group home. She has been under care of the government since the age of 11, after she and her sister defended themselves against her drunk father.

*C. 16-years-old. Pregnant with her 2nd child. Has been in foster care since the age of four. No family. No real support system.

*S. 18 and pregnant with her first child. Found out she was pregnant after being arrested for assault. Is one of 10 children and was recently re-arrested.

*R. 17. Mother died last year. No father in the picture. Was recently arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia. Is tested bi-weekly, but still struggles with drug addiction. Lives with a Godmother.

Ok, so there is a picture of portion of my student body. I also have a 21-year-old woman with 3 children. Their fathers are all in prison. She works 2 jobs and is pretty bright academically. I mean I could go on and on. I'm not trying to exaggerate here. This is who they are.

So my thing is . . . and has been since I started teaching and throughout my career in The Bronx, Harlem, Brooklyn, and now Washington DC . . . Since when did the academic failure of these students become solely the teachers' issue?

I mean really! Really! What kind of miracle do people think teachers can pull? I wish we were magicians, but the issue of failing public schools is clearly about a failing COUNTRY. By the time a teacher connects with the students I have (even at the age of five), these kids have been failed by their parents, by the US drug policies, by the US judicial system, by city housing agencies, by welfare policies, by you name it! Do you think that kids with this kind of shit going on really care about adverbs?

But. Well. It's just so much easier to say there is something wrong with the schools.

Ok, there is a lot wrong with the schools. But bullshit if it's the teachers who should take the blame. I'd love to see how many politicians would last an hour in the classroom with my students, with the door closed and no film crews on them. Hidden cameras maybe? Would be fun to watch.

It's just different.

I just have to put this out there.

I didn't have a miscarriage.

I had a baby.

Prematurely.

And the baby died.

I wanted to say this because so many wonderful women have been sharing with me their own experiences with a lost pregnancy. And many of those stories include miscarriage at some stage of the pregnancy. And I love you all for letting me know I'm not alone. You have all been amazing.

But see . . . It's something different.

I've been with a close friend as she had a miscarriage. It was painful, emotionally and physically. It was hard on many levels.

But it was different.

I had a baby.

I pushed my baby out of me.

I saw my baby.

And he was not alive.

And that, to me, is different.

I'm not comparing, but I did want to say that.

I saw my baby, David, and he was not alive. And it's just different.